A Lifted Burden

Sometimes God sends people across our paths.  This one could have been an angel sent to minister to me or she could have been simply obedient to His purposes.  I don’t know.  Sam’s appointment with the speech pathologist was filled with treasures of insight and wisdom and healing.

Although we both knew his oral motor skills were just fine, she gave me some really good ideas of what might be happening and what to discuss with his pediatrician.  In addition, this woman has a lot of experience with children on the autistic spectrum so we had the opportunity to discuss Anna.

As some of you may know, I have always carried a certain amount of responsibility for Anna having PDD because we started this journey with her failing to thrive as a baby.  I’ve always blamed myself for her not getting the nourishment she needed when she was little because I was nursing her.  Not blaming myself exclusively, mind you, but I always held on to a certain amount of responsibility.  Many people with good intentions over the years have told me that I couldn’t blame myself, but their words were taken as intended..with good intentions..but they were empty because they held no authority.

As the speech pathologist and I were talking, she told me that 99.9% of all the children she has seen and worked with on the spectrum have oral motor problems and that especially considering how dramatic Anna’s were that she was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that her oral motor problems as a baby were only a reflection of her spectrum disorder that she had been born with, not a cause of it.

The grief experienced by  parents of children with special needs is a funny thing…it pops up at the most unexpected times.  I can go for years thinking I had come to a point of peace and acceptance (and I have) only to break down crying at the oddest moments (like the time I went to see my niece at a dance recital and realized that Anna would never be able to participate because by the time she had acquired the gross motor skills she would be too old).

It was like that yesterday.  I didn’t realize the weight of the guilt I was still carrying until Someone had come along and taken it away.

Update on Sam

Many thanks to all who have been praying for Samuel over the last month.  The steps we took around Labor Day to refer him to Early Intervention for screening were entirely appropriate at the time, but over the last month we have seen him gain what seems to be a lot of weight; there will be a weight check next week to be sure.  Along with the added weight has come added strength and added skills, so when the developmental therapist screened him today, we found out he was only about a month behind schedule in the areas we were concerned about.  She gave us some things to work on and said she’d recommend keeping an eye on him and retesting in 3 months.  We’ll meet with the physical therapist in a couple of weeks, but I doubt she’ll have any concerns either.

It didn’t have to be this way.  John and I are acutely aware things could have been much worse.  Samuel’s turnaround has been so dramatic that it is evident it is in answer to prayer and we are thankful.

The Power of a Star

We are finally well underway in our 2008-2009 homeschool year.  This year Anna’s academic load has been ratcheted up quite a bit.  One of the things she is learning this year is to write using cursive handwriting.  For a girl with significant fine motor delays this is really hard .  She was really excited at first.  We began with a lowercase “a”, went on to lowercase “d”, and then we hit lowercase “g” and it was like hitting a very painful brick wall.  That loop was so difficult, her hand wouldn’t do what she wanted it to, why did she have to learn this anyway?

This is our third day working on the letter “g”.  After the first row, I asked her, “Which one do you think you did the best?  Draw a smiley face next to it.”  When she was done, I showed her which one I thought was the best and drew a star next to it.  You could see her body begin to relax and her face light up.  The next row was the same, except I gave one particularly good specimen two stars.  That was really exciting.  Her handwriting became smoother.  The loops seldom crossed at the line, but on the whole it was much more legible.  She asked if she could have a sticker for her folder if she did a good job on the rest of the page.  Of course she could, that’s what I bought them for.

It’s such a small thing.  It cost me nothing except the dollar or so that I paid for a book of stickers that will last me the rest of the year and the willingness to slow down, remember this is a process, and give the gift of encouragement along the way. 

We are not so different, she and I.  I need to slow down, I need to be reminded that this is a process–I am not yet a finished product, and the smallest amount of encouragement is like a salve to my soul.  Oh that I would turn my eyes from myself, my needs, my agenda, and give the gift to little hearts who are waiting to drink it up like rain to a dry and thirsty land.

It was a long day…

  My dh and I like to picnic with friends after church on Sundays.  It is very informal and fluid, as in “this is where we’ll be after church, if you feel like joining us and letting the kids run around, great!”  Sometimes it is just us and one other couple we are good friends with, sometimes there are other people, but always it is an enjoyable time.

Yesterday as we were leaving the park, we were a little chaotic.  John had made arrangements to give his mom a ride home, but we had taken the 7 passenger van instead of the 8 passenger van, hence we were one seat short.  There was a birthday party setting up in the shelter where we had eaten and I was thinking about what I had left to take to the van so we could clear out the place for them.  I picked up Sam in his carseat and headed towards the shelter.  I felt the weight of him heavy on my arm, carrying him close to my body to help alleviate the strain on my back, then suddenly he was weightless.  What had happened?  Had John taken him from me to help carry?  He had done that earlier that day in church…no, the carseat was still on my arm…then I saw him…on the ground…my precious baby who I did not realize was not fastened in his carseat had slipped out and fallen 3 feet to land flat on the back of his head on the cement sidewalk.

My world started spinning.  I was immediately transported back to a place of fear.  He is so young, he has his whole life ahead of him… I CAN’T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!

I asked my friend to pray for him.  I am ashamed to admit that I wasn’t in a place to pray.  I couldn’t give my other children the reassurance they needed.  I was simply consumed by fear.

John, sensing my need, or perhaps needing to be reassured himself, readily agreed to a trip to the immediated care clinic for some x-rays.  By the time we got there, Samuel looked good and was acting normally, but we just wanted to be sure.  The PA assessed him and everything looked great except one thing…becaue he is so young, there could be soft tissue damage and he wouldn’t necessarily demonstrate any of the normal symptoms we would look for, therefore they had to recommend we take him to the ER for a CT scan. 

By this time, I was fairly reassured that Sam was going to be o.k.  I knew going into this that we would most likely be wasting a day of my time and $1000 that we don’t have, and yet…it’s his BRAIN.  In a moment of clarity, I knew that if I could waste a day of my time and spend $1000 to heal Anna I would do it in a heartbeat , no less than a heartbeat.  I couldn’t put Sam at risk.  I don’t know whether John was thinking the same thing I was or whether he went along with this out of his great love for me, but it was never a question of whether or not we would , only which hospital we would utilize.

It was an incredibly long day.  If it was a long one for me in the hospital, I can only imagine how long it was for John taking care of the remaining children and his mother, but Sam got his CT scan eventually.  (It took me a long time to nurse him to sleep deeply enough that he would tolerate it, and even that was iffy.)  As expected, the report is just fine…and we are deeply grateful.

Gratitude

About a week ago my husband had an accident while unloading feed ingredients.  The very mention of the words “farm accident” bring feelings of panic & fear to the minds of many and with good reason; farming can be a very dangerous profession.  My grandfather died in a farming accident.

John caught his foot in a grain auger.  Before he knew what had happened it had sliced off two of his toes.  He spent a long weekend in the hospital and is home now, recouperating nicely.

While it may seem odd to pair an accident of this nature with a posting on gratitude; it was, after the initial shock wore off, the first thing I felt.  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose.” (Ro. 8:28)  While we will never know this side of heaven whether this accident was something the Lord afflicted us with to refine us or whether this is something He merely allowed; I can tell you emphatically He wasted no time in working good in our lives out of this situation.

God’s presence was with each of us as we had need.  John was calm and peaceful throughout, even when he learned that his toes could not be saved.  With God’s help, I was able to remain calm and gave me presence of mind to do what I needed to do.  While in their flesh, their first impulse might have been to get in the middle of things, instead the boys turned their attention to caring for their younger sisters.  When I mentionned that an ambulance would be coming into the yard soon and to help the girls be calm, Gabe quickly volunteered to put in a movie and draw the curtains so they wouldn’t see the ambulance.  I cannot tell you how deeply this touches my mother’s heart.

God’s love was made manifest through His people.  Whether it was my parents dropping everything to spend the day with my children or my sister coming by unannounced to care for Samuel in the ER or the countless people who have expressed concern or volunteered to help in some way, we have felt very loved and thankful.  How could I forget to mention all the prayers offered on our behalf?  John and I do not take them lightly.  I am convinced that they are why he has been in as little pain as he has and why his recovery is going as well as it is.

Gratitude for the gift of life.  Things could have been much worse.  Farm accidents can be dangerous.  Augers are especially dangerous.  John could have lost his whole foot or even a limb.  It could have been his fingers instead of his toes.  When three weeks have passed, Lord willing, John will be able to walk and work and resume life as normal.  Three weeks after my grandfather’s accident, he was still dead.

Gratitude’s gift of clearer vision.  Prior to the accident I was really struggling with a bad attitude.  I knew I needed Father to give me a new heart  and a new mind (again).  This accident took care of that in an instant.  I have also had several opportunities to view John’s foot and each time I do, it fills me with deep sadness over the loss but it also makes me look forward to heaven where he will be made whole again.  As funny as it may sound, seeing John’s feet is one of the things I’m looking forward to about heaven!

This post would not be complete without expressing my gratitude to Ann V. of Holy Experience for calling my attention to viewing life through the lenses of gratitude.  Her challenge over the past year and a half helped to prepare me for this test.  Thanks Ann!

He’s Here! He’s Here!

  On Friday, April 18 at 1:45 p.m.,  Samuel Edmund entered the world.  He weighed in the smallest of our children at 7# 10 oz and 20″ long.  We are home resting and recouping.  In the days and weeks to come, there are several posts I could write, from seeing God at work while we were in the hospital to learning to accept grace and the generosity of others to learning how to incorporate curious littles into infant care; but for today I think I will share the story of his name.

  10 years ago, when I was pregnant with our third child, John and I were both given the desire to honor his father by naming a child after him.  The name we chose (if it was a boy) was Samuel Edmund.  While not all of our children have Biblical names, most of them do, and there is so much to admire about Samuel’s life from how early he was dedicated to serving the Lord to the strength he showed in confronting Saul about his wickedness.  The baby ended up being a girl, Anna Elizabeth.

  Anna had so many medical problems as a baby, I ended up spending her entire first year of life on the road somewhere~ to a dr appt., to therapy, to the hospital for this or that test…and too, John had married later in life (and I’m so glad he did!) and his contemporaries were beginning to have grandchildren.  When we got married we both wanted to have a large family (as in let’s have 5 or 6 and see how we’re doing), but we eventually came to the point we had to be content that that might not be God’s will for our family and be grateful for the children He had already blessed us with.  And I was, but somewhere in the back of my mind, sometimes given voice and sometimes not, I felt like someone was missing.  I was missing Samuel.

  7 years later, I knelt down to pray with my husband thanking God that He has always been faithful, always provided,no matter how difficult the situation we faced.  John’s response?  “You’re pregnant aren’t you?”  Yes, we weren’t expecting it, weren’t looking for it, but there was a baby on the way.  I was more than a little apprehensive to tell him because he would be 50 when this baby was born, but God had been working on his heart in advance, softening it and giving him a new appreciation for human life.  Again, we had a little girl, and while we could not name her Samuel Edmund we had the opportunity to honor a beloved grandmother and my mother by naming her Emma Louise.

  Then his dad got sick and passed away last June from cancer.  His mom’s health requires a lot of attention, we have 3 children we are homeschooling plus a very active toddler.  John turned 52 on his last birthday.  We really weren’t looking to have any more children.  Then in August of last year, we learned we were going to have another baby.  Standing by his father’s side while his body shut down had given us even more of an appreciation for the miracle and preciousness of life.  While we weren’t seeking it, we knew this baby was a gift from the Lord.  We also knew this baby was Samuel Edmund.  We would have been happy with another girl, but very very surprised…that’s how certain we were that this was our Samuel Edmund.

 

  After all this time, we weren’t sure if this was the name the Lord had for him or whether it was just a memory we were holding onto, so we committed to pray and be open in case the Lord led us in a different direction.  But nothing else seemed even close to right or fitting, so Samuel Edmund he remains.  My only regret is that he was born after his namesake had passed away.  Edmund loved the babies so much; but John had shared with me that before his dad passed away he had told him that if we ever had another boy we were going to name him Samuel Edmund, after him.  I am so thankful.

Order my days, O Lord…

These are not the days I had planned on having.  With two weeks left in my pregnancy, I had planned on staying at home as much as possible and working hard as a family to get as much of our homeschooling done as possible so we could all enjoy a well-deserved rest.  In an uncharacteristic-for-me move I had even arranged for others to take Mavis to both of her doctor appointments this week so that I could concentrate as much as possible on my kids.

And then yesterday hit.

Random musings waiting to be posted…

There is something about being pregnant that seems to give other people permission to touch your body.  Usually I am a touch-only-when-invited kind of person, and even more so when I’m feeling all hormonal and crazy and generally uncomfortable; make that really uncomfortable.  But I have found that the people who are reaching out to touch my belly uninvited, although a tad bid annoying don’t really bother me all that much because they are demonstrating how happy they are for me and how excited they are about my baby.  Consider on the other hand a recent exchange with a professional at the  doctor’s office:  C:  “So, you’re getting close, huh?”  Michelle:  “Yes, another 3 weeks or so.”  C:  “So how many does this make for you?”  Michelle:  “This will be our fifth.”  C:  “What are you, nuts?!”  I can’t tell you how common this exchange is and at this point in the conversation I usually smile and say “No, just surprised…” but during this particular exchange I was wondering how many people get that if they don’t know me well enough to know how many children I have, they probably don’t know me well enough to know if what they just said was really hurtful or offensive to me.  Oh, and another note to people who feel the freedom to make uninvited comments, I’ve always taught my children it’s not kind or polite to make comments about a person’s physical appearance unless they are complimentary.  That doesn’t cease to be true when a person is pregnant, so comments like “you’re huge” or “you look like you’re ready to pop” aren’t really very helpful either.  Thanks.

On a more cheerful note, ever since Holly convinced me to try cloth diapers this time around and her musings on being “crunchy“, I’ve been thinking about other ways to incorporate this philosophy.  Although I detest the attempt to mindwash me into the Green religion, (not by you Holly!  I meant the popular culture in general!!)  I couldn’t help but be drawn to an article on “green” housecleaning in our local paper the other day.  For me, being crunchy is all about good stewardship…of our time, of our money , and yes, of our environment.  So if “green” housecleaning saves me money and is helpful to the environment and doesn’t take up more of my time, why not give it a try?  I found the following housecleaning recipes at about.com:

Homemade Glass Cleaner

From Sarah Aguirre,
Your Guide to Housekeeping.
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Ingredients 1 cup rubbing alcohol ,1 cup water ,1 tablespoon vinegar.   Using isopropyl alcohol and white vinegar together makes a quickly evaporating spray glass and mirror cleaner that competes with national brands. This can also be used to give a nice shine to hard tiles, chrome, and other surfaces.

Recipe For Homemade Furniture Polish

From Sarah Aguirre,
Your Guide to Housekeeping.
FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now! Ingredients 1 cup olive oil , 1/2 cup lemon juice.   Mix together in a clean new spray bottle. To use, remember to shake before each application. Apply a small portion to your cleaning cloth. Spread the polish over the furniture, trying to polish evenly. Use another clean cloth to polish the surface dry.

Recipe for Homemade Surface Cleaner

From Sarah Aguirre,
Your Guide to Housekeeping.
FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now! Homemade Surface Cleaner Ingredients 1 cup white vinegar , 1 cup water.   Mix together in a spray bottle, and you’ll have your own multi-purpose cleaner. Most useful in the bathroom and kitchen on surfaces.I can tell you I’ve tried the furniture polish recipe once before on our entertainment center and the results were beautiful.  That reminds me, it’s due for another polishing…

edit 4/5/08:  Here’s another super-cheap, good stewardship housekeeping tip I got from my Dad–Instead of using expensive, caustic drain cleaners, try boiling water!  Obviously, one need to use caution around littles, but the boiling water eats through just about anything that is hanging around in your pipes.  We tried it in our bathroom sink which regularly runs at slow or stop and it worked like a charm.

Favorite Things, Vol. 2

*  Emma vacuuming the rug all by herself in her pajamas…

*  “My fever is all gone, Jesus took it from me.”  (Emma the day after she was down with fever/bad headaches all day)

*  Anna reading to her sister on the couch…

An Attack on the Family

Please go here to read about the recent ruling in California against parental rights and homeschooling and to sign HSLDA’s petition to “depublish” the court case, which would apply the ruling only to the individuals involved, thereby neutralizing the threat to homeschooling for other families in California.