Posted by: Michelle | April 2, 2016

I Want You to Know…Revisited

April is Autism Awareness Month and yesterday my newsfeed was filled with posts calling for acceptance of neurodiversity and contending that autism is not a disease, but rather a difference to be celebrated.  While I support and cheer on each and every one of my sister-moms, to a large extent I find myself on the outside looking in because their experiences are not my experience.  As my friend Laura rightly pointed out, “If you know one kid with autism, you know one kid with autism.”  each of our journeys is unique.

This morning seemed like a perfect time to revisit something I wrote four years ago.

I Want You to Know…

In a Facebook world where we share a status for an hour to show we care, there is something I want you to know about me.  Being a parent of a child with disabilities isn’t just about the disappointment of altered dreams for what your child could become…although there is that.

Being the parent of a child with disabilities is also the heartbreak of seeing him not included; not because his peers are mean, but because they just don’t know how to relate to his world.  It’s seeing friends move on and leave him behind and there is no one to get mad at because they are just growing up normally and your child is not.

Being the parent of a child with disabilities means making a thousand hard choices every day; sometimes in the blink of an eye.  It means choosing carefully which hills to die on and accepting the judgement of friends and strangers because they would never make those choices and knowing that now they think less of you as a parent because their child would never act that way.  I want you to know that I am acutely aware that your child would never act that way and that makes the world a lonely place sometimes because when faced with the choice of explaining my actions so you will like me or protecting her privacy, I will choose her privacy every time. It means knowing that in my fatigue I will sometimes make poor choices and it means asking her forgiveness and forgiving myself and moving on.

Being the parent of a child with disabilities means remembering that there are other children in my family who have needs too and making sure those needs get met.  It means knowing full well that there is not enough of me to go around and trusting God to enable me.

I want you to know the words I dread most in the world are “You must be so ________.  I could never do that.”  I take them in the spirit of the encouragement they are intended to be, but I dread them because I know that I am not.

I want you to know that although my child has cognitive disabilities, he is not stupid and he is aware that he is not like other children.  I want you to know that she feels deeply and her pain is real and her joy is real even when it is not something that would move you at all.

I want you to know that I celebrate small accomplishments and victories and that I know the value of a really good day.

I want you to know that the greatest gifts you could give me and my family are genuine love and grace extended freely, being included, being invited, and providing a safe place to be weak when necessary.

Four years later, I still mean every word.  Four years later, there are a few words that I would add.

I want you to know that I have become quite adept at discerning true friends from those who are just polite enough to stay out of trouble.  If you belong to the former group I want you to know that I owe you a debt I can never repay and I pray that God rewards you richly for your kindness.  If you belong to the latter group, I want you to know that your condescending smiles and utter lack of room in your world for him are daggers in my heart.  I know, I get it.  He can be weird, she can be exasperating, you don’t know how to relate; but it still hurts…a lot…every single time.  But I also feel sad for you because you are missing out.  God has lovingly created each one of us in His image and He makes no mistakes.  That means God made him the way he is for a reason.  That means that if she is in your life, she has something to contribute to it.  That means by dismissing him, you  have missed out, in some small way, of seeing the glory of God.

To those who have befriended our family and included us in your lives, I want you to know how deeply I treasure your friendship; because I know we aren’t always easy to love.  I know that your friendship has come at the cost of forgiveness and grace extended on more than one occasion.

Finally I want you to know, I want ME to know, there is hope.  The mind is a mysterious thing and we are so much farther than I could have ever imagined four years ago.  Life is still hard and there will never be any escape from that in this life; and some days hope all but disappears.  But no one knows the future but God and He is good.  I want you to know, I want ME to know, there is hope.

Posted by: Michelle | March 16, 2014

Praising God in the Hallway

As the sparkling white of icy winter gives way to the gray-brown snows of approaching spring, my arms start to ache to work in my gardens again.  I have been dreaming all winter of plans for my kitchen garden and the herbs and teas I want to plant this year (BTW, if anyone knows where I can purchase a chammomile plant, please let me know!)

I think this is why I’ve been struggling with a touch of homesickness lately.  When I visit the farm and see windows boarded up and the lawn littered with demolition debris or see strange men with dirty boots tramping through my house, it crushes my spirit a little bit every time.

I can give in to these feelings and keep my eyes on my circumstances or I can turn my eyes to God and allow Him to give me a fresh perspective. As the saying goes, “While you are waiting for God to open another door, praise Him in the hallway.”

The following are pictures from our temporary home:

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641. The company which provided the furnishings did not want me to put plants on any of their tables, but this bay window is just perfect.  And really, if one has to do dishes, this view is a blessing.  My soap dispenser was broken in the move, so on one of our (seemingly) daily trips to Wal-Mart I picked up this blue one. I don’t care if it’s a cheap plastic soap pump, I love that it matches my blue Mason jars! (642.)

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643.  My dad sent me these lovely roses for Lions Rose Day.  Being the daughter of a Lion and the wife of a Lion, I am doubly blessed❤  They were especially meaningful to me this year and made the place feel a little more like home.  (Aren’t they gorgeous?)

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644.  I could not find my napkin holder after the move.  I walked into Goodwill for something totally unrelated and someone had just dropped off several Longeberger baskets.  Perfect!

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645. This is a little reading nook the housing company set up for me.  It is right next to sliding glass doors with lots of natural light to do my quiet times in the morning.Or at least it will be the perfect place to do my quiet times if I can beat John to it some morning; he is also quite fond of my reading nook.

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646.  I didn’t have a really good place for the kids to practice tumbling at our farm; but the large, unfinished basement is just the thing!

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647. We had a toy room at the farm, affectionately known as “The Toy Shop”.  It was a converted porch that was very hot in the summer and very cold in the winter, so it was mainly used for toy storage.  In the basement of this house, there is one finished room (that is quite toasty) that we have set aside for the kids’ toy room.  Sam and Emma hosted a few friends over yesterday and I can tell you I was quite happy to have all the happy screaming noises downstairs.

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648. This is the back deck (complete with bunny tracks from last night’s snow), but do you know what I see?  I see a perfect place for planters filled with herbs and teas to plant in my kitchen garden when I move back home.

Posted by: Michelle | March 15, 2014

Spontaneous Stops and Cold Meat Sandwiches

We moved into temporary housing on Tuesday.  The housing company delivered most of the furniture.  On Wednesday, the rental company delivered the washer and dryer.  On Thursday, the plumber hooked them up.  On Friday, the housing company delivered the rest of the furniture.  Saturday we left for a five day family vacation.  Boxes are piled high, waiting to be unpacked, our internet was still not yet hooked up, and our homeschool books are waiting patiently for me to find my stride again so we can catch up.  Suffice to say, this was not a convenient time to take a family vacation.  In fact, it was a very inconvenient time to take a family vacation.  Turns out, it was a great time to take a family vacation.

The five days we spent on the road were filled with all the hallmarks of a great family vacation (or at least our family vacations)…audiobooks read by Jim Weiss, picnic lunches, small treats and activities to help distract children from long hours on the road.  John spent many hours planning our route, finding interesting places to stop,and making hotel reservations, and yet we found once again that some of the most delightful stops were completely unplanned.

To quote Dr. Suess, “It’s fun to have fun, but you have to know how.”  I am such a structured person, wanting to plan every detail ahead of time, and the planned stops were fun but the most delightful ones were spontaneous.  Even the picnic lunches were delightful (and as all my children know, Momma is not fond of cold meat sandwiches).  

It was a really, really inconvenient time to take a family vacation…John & I both have so much work to do at home, but for those five days on the road we were completely powerless to do anything about it.  I do not like being powerless.  I like being in control, but the time spent on the road was a gentle reminder to trust God because He is in control.  Long hours on the road gave me time to examine how much I really do trust Him.  Do I trust God so long as I get to retain control over all the details?  Or do I trust Him even when I am completely powerless?  

I don’t think I will ever be a go-with-the-flow kind of girl this side of heaven, but as we return home to our not-quite-home and face a lot of uncertainties I would rather not face, I think I am a little better prepared to relax and trust God and trust His timing.  He is in complete control and all His gifts are good.  After all, if he can make cold meat lunches enjoyable, He can do anything.  

Posted by: Michelle | February 22, 2014

God at Work

On the afternoon of Tuesday, January  28 a fire began in the attic of our home.  By the time the fire trucks left at 8 p.m. our home was unlivable and our lives were turned upside down.  But in the midst of all of this, my crazy, control-freak, doesn’t-like-to-be-overstimulated heart remains calm.  When friends ask how we’re doing, all I want to do is tell them about all that God has been doing.  Our house burned.  We are so blessed.  These two statements should be incompatible but they are not.  Praise God, they are not.

 

Praising God for His Protection….

Nathan’s classes were cancelled for the day.  Since he was home, I asked him to help me rearrange the furniture in Emma’s room.  Because we were working upstairs, we were able to detect the fire much earlier in the middle of the afternoon.  The epicenter of the fire was right above Anna’s closet.  If the fire had gone undetected or had broken out at night, we might have lost one or both of our daughters.  We are all safe.  Everything else is just stuff.

 

Praising God for His Provision…

Before the fire trucks left our yard, my friend Lisa was texting me with an offer to stay in a house they had not yet sold while our home was being rebuilt.  She could only do this because months earlier, the Lord had laid it on her husband’s heart not to pursue selling the house because someone may have need of it.  It shouldn’t surprise me.  I believe and teach that God is omniscient—He knows everything and that God is eternal—to Him all moments are “now”.  But I have to admit, every time I think of it, my heart skips a beat to know that God was at work providing for my needs long before the first spark.

My brothers Justin and Jason were on the scene the next day to begin the process of clean up and demolition.  They are both highly competent men of integrity and God has gifted each of them with unique abilities that work well together.  It has been so comforting to me to have them at my side, not just because they are my brothers, but also because they are good at what they do and I know it will be done well.

 

Praising God for the Gift of Health…

While we wait to move into the rental house, we are staying with my parents, their dog Molly, and their five cats.  I am highly allergic to cats.  To be fair, four of them live in the basement waiting to be relocated in the spring; but as we learned the year we hatched baby chicks and kept rabbits in our basement, basements count when it comes to breathing.  I am very thankful for a warm place to stay while we are waiting, but by all rights my health should be a wreck.  To the contrary, I can count on one hand the number of times I have needed to take an OTC medicine.  I can only attribute this to God’s sustaining grace.

 

Praising God for The Body…

John and I have been overwhelmed by the love of God as expressed through His people toward us.  Our church, my mom’s church, our homeschool group, our community, saints near and far, we are a part of the Body of Christ and every meal, every card, every collection, every prayer, every hug, everyone who stops to ask “how are you?” is God saying “I love you…I love you…I love you…I love you,” and we have been so loved!   I think this is how the Body is supposed to work.  They have wept as we wept, they have rejoiced as we have rejoiced.  They have held us up in prayer, cared for our needs, and done good unto us.  We live in a time when the Church is ridiculed as being hypocritical and dysfunctional.  From my perspective there has been a sacredness in being part of the Church functioning exactly as it was designed to and to quote Eric Liddell, “I can feel God’s pleasure.”

 

Praising God for His work in our Lives…

“…we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Ro. 5:3-5)

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Ro. 8:28)

“Consider it all joy my brethren when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4)

“God always looks upon me and treats me with gracious favor, always working all things together for my ultimate and eternal good.  God’s grace abounds to me even through trials.  Because I am a justified one, He subjugates every trial and forces it to do good unto me.” (Milton Vincent, A Gospel Primer for Christians, p.63)

I have to confess it is not my natural inclination to exult in this trial but I can exult in my God.  I do not know what God is doing in our lives, but I know that He is at work and that it is good.  I am confident of this because I know that He is faithful and His Word cannot fail.

I’m not sure where this quote came from. Maybe when we move back in our house, I can unpack my box of Bible studies and give the author proper credit; but in the margin of my Bible above James 1 are written these words, “When we endure trials by faith, with joy, it brings glory to God.”  That much I can do.  I don’t know what God is doing, but I know that He is at work to bring about my good and bring Himself glory.

 

Praising God for the Gift of Himself…

When we came back to my parents’ house the night of the fire, my youngest daughter asked me, “Why did this happen to us?”  That is a totally normal question and we talked about Job and how he never lost his love for God or his hope in God and how God restored all that Job had lost.  But for me, the question “Why me?” is very unsatisfying because the inevitable answer is “Why not me?”  As I have been reading the books Be Still, My Soul by Nancy Guthrie and Glorious Ruin by Tullian Tchividjian  (I highly recommend both of them), I have discovered a better question is “Who?”

“Thankfully, the good news of the gospel is not an exhortation from above to ‘hang on at all costs or ‘grin and bear it’ in the midst of hardship.  No the good news is that God is hanging on to you, and in the end, when all is said and done, the power of God will triumph over every pain and loss….(God) loves you; his chief concern is to be himself for you….we don’t need answers as much as we need God’s presence in and through the suffering itself.  For the life of the believer, one thing is beautifully and abundantly true:  God’s chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be Himself for you.”  (Glorious Ruin, p. 10-11)

This is a great and glorious gift and it is the one theme which keeps coming back to me over the past several years—that God is my Enough and my Enough is more than enough.

 

 

Posted by: Michelle | September 3, 2013

My Confession

I blew it.  I really, really blew it.  I can give you a thousand reasons why…I could try and make my defense…but in the end they are just excuses; the facts remain that I was guilty as charged.  My sweet little girl had brought me a beautiful turquoise necklace she had made and asked for my approval.  My words were harsh, critical…Why hadn’t she asked my permission before using my things?…It would be better if the beads were arranged in a more balanced arrangement…I didn’t even notice her face before rushing on to accomplish the tasks I thought were so important for the day.  The day was a demanding one.  I gave my full attention to the deadlines that were loudly demanding it, I gave very little to the sweet, sensitive spirit that asked very little of me.  As the day drew to a close, the Holy Spirit whispered words that were a slam-dunk conviction: “Those were her beads.”  In that instant, my vision was cleared.  Yes, my deadlines were important, but nothing was as important as finding my girl and making things right.  As we found a quiet corner, her face was full of concern.  “Is everything OK, Mommy?”  “Did I do something wrong, Mommy?”  Her words pricked my heart.  How often had I crushed her before this day?  I told her how wrong I was, how sorry I was, how I appreciated the artistic gifts God had given her; I praised her for taking the initiative to create something and be creative without anyone telling her to do it. She snuggled in closer to me. “It’s OK, Mommy.  I forgive you.”  Grace.  Priceless words offered to me.  As we begin our school year, let this grace be before all others.  If we learn math, writing, & science, but miss grace we walk away empty handed.  But this day holds another lesson for me.  Sin can be forgiven, but it always has a consequence.  She may have forgiven me and our relationship was restored, but as I climbed the stairs to attend to the next thing I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she picked up her necklace to work on it again, the way I had told her it should be.    Image

Posted by: Michelle | November 30, 2011

Christmas Opportunities

I’m blogging with a purpose here today. 

I think most of us are familiar with Salvation Army, Operation Christmas Child and Angel Tree (all of which are wonderful outreaches which I highly recommend), but I am wondering what other opportunities are you aware of to reach out to others at Christmastime?  I’m looking for opportunities to look beyond the consumer-driven mindset of buying “stuff” to invest my time and dollars in a way that invests in the lives of others and the Kingdom of God.

Here are a few that I really like that I’ve run across lately, but I am excited to learn what others have found:

1.  (LOVE this one)  Living Water International Gift Card:  your recipient enters the numbers from the gift card on their website, then gets to choose how that donation is spent.  He can choose to spend it all on one project or divide it up among several.  Also a bonus, LWI offers physical gift cards that they will mail to you or for the last minute shoppers they offer electronic gift cards.

2.  Voice of the Martyrs offers a Christmas Care pack for $25 which provides a Christmas Care Pack for a child who lives in an area where Christians are persecuted.  They also offer a Village Outreach Pack for $75 which supplies an evangelist with a small library of materials.  (I can look over my shoulder at a not-so-small library of materials which ministers to the village that lives inside my house and maybe my circle of friends…every member of my family has his or her own Bible and I am struck with the responsibility of such wealth.)

3.  I have recently become acquainted with Gospel for Asia.  This year, they are offering Gifts from the Stable, Gifts for the Poor, Gifts of Outreach, and Gifts for Missionaries.  You have got to go check them out.

4.  Kids Around the World is a local organization which ministers to children all over the world through building playgrounds, training children’s workers, and feeding children.  They have a few fun items for sale and each item specifies how many meals are provided with your purchase.

5.  For $35, you can provide one person with a lifetime of clean water through Persecution Project Foundation’s 100 Wells Project.  In return, you can choose either a T-shirt or a lovely blue bracelet for your gift recipient.

Please leave me a comment and let me know what ways your family has found to look beyond the “stuff” at Christmas.  I am excited to learn how we can keep it real this year!

Posted by: Michelle | May 10, 2011

Morning Gratitude

Is there any symphony as stirring as the one God plays for me each morning outside my window?  If I visited the great museums of the world, would I be surrounded with any more beauty than I am outside my door?  Could I visit any spa or take any vacation which would bring more peace than dwelling in the shadow of His wing?  Truly I am blessed beyond all measure and I sing with King David:

 “Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? …How great you are, O Sovereign LORD! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you.”  2 Samuel 7:18,22

 

Posted by: Michelle | April 18, 2011

The Palm Sunday Mistake…

From Matthew Ch. 21:

The Triumphal Entry

1 When they had approached Jerusalem and had come to Bethphage, at the Mount of Olives, then Jesus sent two disciples, 2 saying to them, “Go into the village opposite you, and immediately you will find a donkey tied there and a colt with her; untie them and bring them to Me. 3 “If anyone says anything to you, you shall say, ‘The Lord has need of them,’ and immediately he will send them.” 4 This took place to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet : 5 “SAY TO THE DAUGHTER OF ZION, ‘BEHOLD YOUR KING IS COMING TO YOU, GENTLE, AND MOUNTED ON A DONKEY, EVEN ON A COLT, THE FOAL OF A BEAST OF BURDEN.’ ” 6 The disciples went and did just as Jesus had instructed them, 7 and brought the donkey and the colt, and laid their coats on them; and He sat on the coats. 8 Most of the crowd spread their coats in the road, and others were cutting branches from the trees and spreading them in the road. 9 The crowds going ahead of Him, and those who followed, were shouting, “Hosanna to the Son of David ; BLESSED IS HE WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD ; Hosanna in the highest !”

The Crowds shout “Hosanna!” and rightly cheer on Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem; but their eyes are still dim and their hearts are not yet given new life and by Friday these same Crowds who praise Him will scream with blood lust for His crucifixion.

“Hosanna” literally means “save now” and that is what the Crowds wanted.  They wanted a little-k-king to ride in on his war horse and deliver them from Roman rule.  What they missed was that Jesus was, is, and ever shall be the KING of KINGS who came to deliver them from their sins.

So as we enter this Holy Week 2011, I am pondering how often I make the Palm Sunday mistake and cry out “Hosanna!  Save Now!” begging, sometimes demanding, that God save me from my circumstances; when my real need is to be saved from my sins.  It is far less pleasant to think about, but far more needful.  Have your way in me Lord Jesus!

Posted by: Michelle | April 18, 2011

Musings on the Body….

From Ephesians Ch. 4:

1 Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called

Ah, yes, this is my great desire…to walk in a manner worthy of my calling…but what does that look like?  How is that done?

2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, 3 being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace

Humility, gentleness, patience, love..all evidences of the Spirit at work, doing His good work in my life; but there is something here which especially catches this farm girl’s eye: Read More…

Posted by: Michelle | February 20, 2011

Psalm 40:1-3

Getting up and ready for church this morning, I happened to notice the computer was turned off.  That usually means one thing, that there had been a power outage of some sort in the night and considering the freezing rain and sleet outside, it seemed likely.  Even though John had just cleaned up, he knew what he must do.  Power outages on our farm are serious business.  When the power goes out, the first thing we are all trained to do (myself included) is to open the doors to the pig buildings to let the fresh air in.  Power outages mean no fans in the pig buildings and no fans for an extended period of time leads to suffocation for the pigs on a large scale.

Praise the Lord there were no problems from whatever power outage there was in the night, but when John got out there he discovered that someone had left a gate open yesterday and that there were several nursery pigs that had fallen into the pit and needed rescuing.  It is a difficult, unpleasant job and no matter how many times he washes, it will be difficult to get the odor out of his skin.  We probably won’t make it to worship service this morning.  Hopefully, he will be done in time for us to make it to Sunday School.  It has put me in mind of the following verses:

I waited patiently1 for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.2 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,3 out of the mud4 and mire;5 he set my feet6 on a rock7 and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song8 in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. (Psalm 40:1-3) 

For any who may read this who are not familiar with agriculture, pig buildings are built with slotted floors, so that the waste falls through into a deep pit below the building.  This waste is periodically pumped out and disposed of through a precise waste management plan so that the fumes do not overwhelm the pigs or the people who care for them.  Pig poo is serious business.

And so this morning, I have a new appreciation for this picture from the psalms.  I was trapped in the pit of my self-sufficiency.  It was cold and slimy and most definately smelled bad.  I had no power to save myself.  Only the loving Shepherd (and aren’t shepherds a type of farmer?) could rescue me, taking on my slime so that I could put on His righteousness.  And were this not enough, he lovingly gave me a firm place to stand and gave me a song of praise to sing. 

Thank you Jesus, I love You and sing my praises to You this morning.

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