Driving home from Dixon yesterday, I had some time to think. This past year has been filled with so many major changes and trials. I am aware of how major life changes can affect a person and how susceptable I can be to depression so I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to think and take assessment.
There IS a pain in my soul…there is a weariness with life that will not go away, no matter how much I sleep…if someone were to offer me the choice between life and death I know that the only thing that would make me choose life is knowing how much pain it would cause my husband and children (and other loved ones) if I were to choose death…BUT this is NOT depression. I KNOW depression. I acutely remember depression and this is not it.
When I went through my time of depression, I could not function. I could not tolerate having my children around me and being separated from them brought great anxiety. I felt completely dead. This is quite different. I am filled with joy and great hope for the future so I want to be clear this is NOT depression.
The only way I can describe it is that it is a tearing away…much like the hooks of velcro tear away from the loops…the velcro of my heart is tearing away from this world in order to reattach itself to something better. It is not entirely comfortable. The tendrils of my heart are firmly entwined around the weeds of this world, but it is my hope that through this, God is retraining them to entwine around HIM.