The Velcro of my Heart

Driving home from Dixon yesterday, I had some time to think.  This past year has been filled with so many major changes and trials.  I am aware of how major life changes can affect a person and how susceptable I can be to depression so I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to think and take assessment.   

There IS a pain in my soul…there is a weariness with life that will not go away, no matter how much I sleep…if someone were to offer me the choice between life and death I know that the only thing that would make me choose life is knowing how much pain it would cause my husband and children (and other loved ones) if I were to choose death…BUT this is NOT depression.  I KNOW depression.  I acutely remember depression and this is not it.

When I went through my time of depression, I could not function.  I could not tolerate having my children around me and being separated from them brought great anxiety.  I felt completely dead.  This is quite different.  I am filled with joy and great hope for the future so I want to be clear this is NOT depression.

The only way I can describe it is that it is a tearing away…much like the hooks of velcro tear away from the loops…the velcro of my heart is tearing away from this world in order to reattach itself to something better.  It is not entirely comfortable.  The tendrils of my heart are firmly entwined around the weeds of this world, but it is my hope that through this, God is retraining them to entwine around HIM.

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5 thoughts on “The Velcro of my Heart

  1. YES!!!!!YES!!!!!YES!!!!!! You have described what I’ve been trying to put into words for weeks now! It as though less and less and less here on earth has the power to hold my attention, let alone my heart.

    Christmas was a shell – a distraction from the REAL issues of life. I look around and see one empty, shallow, smoke and mirrors distraction after another waving its arms, trying to draw me in – and yet, it’s as though once I even get close I can see the “makeup” that has been plastered on it to give it the appearance of beauty.

    I have this “image” in my mind – (Sorry, it’s not a pretty one) of this woman and I’m standing back looking at her – she is BEAUTIFUL. Her clothes are elegant, she is obviously well coiffed and very confident. Her words are full of charm and her voice pleasant. She keeps holding her arms out in welcome, seeking someone to dance with her – everyone who sees her desire to do so.

    Behind her, to the side, is a mirror – when I look in the mirror I see an old woman, whose very flesh is falling off her body. She is literally rotting even as she stands there. She realizes I’ve seen her and she turns and looks at me and her beautiful face is not only rotting away, but twisted by obvious hate.

    That’s how I see the world anymore – nothing more than a deception designed to keep us too busy to be about the things of the Kingdom – the very issues that Father desires to have us be about are being tossed aside for the “opportunity” to dance with this woman – this rotting, evil corpse filled with the stench of lost hope, lost dreams and worst of all, lost lives!

    Invariably, I hear “For all the nations have drunk of the wine of the passion of her immorality, and the kings of the earth have committed acts of immorality with her, and the merchants of the earth have become rich by the wealth of her sensuality.”

    I heard another voice from heaven, saying, “Come out of her, my people, so that you will not participate in her sins and receive of her plagues;”

  2. Hmmmm…I think God is doing something else with me ….. I completely understand what you mean about Christmas. I find I have to work really hard not to “miss” Christmas when everything around me (especially church?) seems to want to distract me from it.

    What I’m finding is that this process of wanting Christ to be my prize, my goal, my reward is bringing me face to face with how much I am still attached to. The phrase “Will you still love Me if…” rings in my ears. Is God still good if… and all the ifs swirl around me. The answer is Yes! Yes! A thousand times, Yes! Even if I have to choose Him through tears, I will still choose Him and He is still good!

    I also think there is this “other” thing going on here…too much going on in my heart to be able to put it all in words yet…we are in this time of pressing and stretching and trials layered one upon another and yet this too works to glorify God because it helps to tear our hearts away from the world and attach them to Christ.

  3. hi Michelle,

    i pray that even in the midst of the layering of trials, God will give you peace. Augustine says somewhere (the confessions?) that when we love the things of the world they become as it were the limbs of the soul, and so (inevitably) cause pain when they are (inevitably) detached;i hope and pray that in all this for you there’ll be comfort along with the pain…

    –chris

  4. Chris,
    Thank you so much, but we are finding great comfort and joy during this time as well. The next post is a list of scriptures that have brought us incredible comfort, peace, and joy.

    We went through a similar time of layered trials about 12 years ago. While we submitted to it and glorified God in His faithfulness to us, we didn’t understand the “why” of it very well. This time, both my husband and I feel there is a purpose behind the trials and that brings comfort and joy as well.

    I really struggled with whether to make this particular post public or private. The purpose of my blog is to serve as my journal and so that someday my children will be able to read a record of God’s faithfulness to our family. In the end, I decided to keep it public in case there is someone else who is struggling through a time of trial and I can somehow encourage them and point them toward the Lord.

  5. Michelle,

    i thank the God of every consolation that He is bringing you and your husband comfort, and joy, as well as faithfulness, and wisdom, in your trials. It is brave and generous on your part to share what you’ve been going through with those outside your family, and I am sure that your powerful testimony is and will continue to be a great blessing to people (they are many!) worn down by trial and in need of encouragement.

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